all I need to do I learned from my handbag

"here we stand
we know it will always be
everything & nothing between us
but space & silence to begin with
tell me how it is to love & live & be
no promises
knowing there is only now"*

ten years ago, i came up with this nifty analogy that the same principles in looking for the perfect pair of shoes pretty much apply to looking for the right guy. i've thought of these in the context of what my 22 year-old self needed at that time so most of it has now become obsolete. but if there is one thing that anybody - young, old, single, married - can learn from it, it is this: there is no such thing as the perfect pair of shoes.

today, i derive a little pearl of wisdom from this adorable yet utilitarian handbag that you gave me, which i'm loving for a whole slew of reasons. now whenever i get a good, reliable bag like this, i use it everyday, it tends to go with anything i wear anyway, until (usually after several months) it's time for a new one. before this bag, i've become drawn to small purses - those that can only hold my daily necessities and nothing else. because they're so small, everything fits snugly and has its rightful place inside it. i can easily find the smallest item and put it back in its original place.

my new bag, on the other hand, is rather large - not exactly oversized, but then i'm comparing it to its smaller predecessors. it actually looks deceivingly small but it suprises me at how much space it can accommodate. since i still bring the same stuff i've always brought in my smaller bags, they practically swim inside my new one. even if i arrange them inside in the usual manner, they'd shift around sometimes and i can't fish a particular item out of it that easily. also, i fear that with a bigger bag, i might be compelled to force more stuff in just because i can and because it may feel empty as it is. rationally, i think i should just use this kind of bag when i need to bring more stuff.

similarly, there are times when giddy anticipation of a dream coming true causes you to open up too much too early. sometimes, you make too much space for something that's not ready to be filled. and you realize you probably should wait for the day when it does - before you shift your stuff around and put yourself at a risk of losing focus on the things in your life you can control.

with that said, it may be a wise move to change back to my trusty small purse. i may not be able to fit a lot of stuff in it - but i have all that i need at the moment, and it's neater and more manageable. because i no longer like to wade my hand blindly inside the big bag longer than i should when all i need is my lipstick. or constantly check if i'm carrying it with the right side up front. or have that awful feeling of the empty spaces when i hold it close to me. and i'm beginning to hate the feeling of missing you and wondering why you ever gave me this bag in the first place.

so for now, as i shelve my favorite bag of the moment, i do the same with this iffy feeling of waiting. until such time i'll have stuff to put in. until "you and me" happens. until such time.

"as we walk away out the door
welcome back reality
don't forget we smile
knowing there is only now
tell me how it is to love & live & be
no promises
knowing there is only now"*

* cynthia alexander - knowing there is only now